Yesterday, I was at my local coffee shop doing what I typically do on Sunday mornings – having a pastry, drinking a latte, and reading a book.
If you ask many of my friends, my wife Kasey included, they would tell you that they don’t know how I “work” in public, but the hum of a public space allows me to focus. Every once-in-a-while, though, I look up to see what’s going on around me.
As I peaked-up from my book yesterday, I saw a former student with whom I only had one meaningful interaction and it took place years ago. I remember it because of what followed.
I stepped out of my office into the hallway on my way down to the lunchroom. The timing put me face-to-face with a young lady who was walking toward the media center. I greeted her and noticed that she did not have a pass to be in the hallway. So, I politely asked her if she had one. She admitted that she didn’t, but asked if she could go to the media center anyway. I allowed it and reminded her that she needed to get a pass every day moving forward. She agreed and thanked me for allowing her to go. We went our separate ways and I didn’t think about it again, until I got an email from her mother the next morning.
The title of the email was simply the student’s name. I didn’t know her by name, so the email didn’t mean a whole lot until I opened it. Thinking back on it, I can feel my mouth opening wider and wider as I read each line. She accused me of harassing her daughter, being a bully, and holding her to standards that I was not enforcing for all students. That was basically the message – but she took at least as many words as this email to say it – berating me over and over for “scolding” her child – a Senior – in the hallway. Then, I read her signature. She was a teacher at a local school.
I was dumbfounded. And I was angry.
It took a lot for me to process, but somehow I responded graciously, apologizing for any unintentional hurt I may have caused her daughter, while also emphasizing that we had a very polite conversation that I thought went very well. I offered to meet with her and/or her daughter to discuss it and told her I looked forward to hearing from her.
I never did. Unfortunately, I never had another meaningful interaction with her daughter, either. I saw her a few more times, most notably at graduation and, for fear of being misunderstood or mischaracterized, I didn’t say much. Life moved on.
When I saw her yesterday morning, we didn’t say anything to each other. Maybe she didn’t recognize me. Maybe she just didn’t want to talk. Either way, as she and her friend left the coffee shop, I had the opportunity to reflect – not solely on our interaction all those years ago, but on myself. I came away with three thoughts:
- I could have done better. I don’t think I did anything wrong, but I didn’t go out of my way to make things better, either. As a leader, we are called to “go first.” When I didn’t get a reply from her or her mother, I should have led and asked to meet. In the times I’ve seen her since, I should have said something to her. I could have done better. I hope to do better in the future.
- Her mother’s response didn’t have anything to do with me. I know I’m biased, but the conversation I had with the student was marked by mutual respect and politeness; so, the anger came from some point along their journey that didn’t have anything to do with me. I don’t need to take personal offense every time someone misunderstands me. Easier said than done, but it’s a skill I can grow.
- This isn’t the norm. I love seeing my former students and, usually, they love seeing me. I have wonderful interactions with them every single week. It’s one of my greatest joys. It’s tempting to get discouraged by the 1% of the time things go wrong, but it’s healthier and far more accurate to focus on the 99%.
Unless I’ve missed my guess, these reminders likely apply to your work as an educator, too. So, wherever you are and whatever you’re struggling with, I encourage you to reflect on what you can do better, what’s out of your control, and what the general pattern of your interactions with others is marked by.
Own what you need to own and let go of the rest.
Choose to be Great!
Angelo
CHOOSE TO BE GREAT 