Have you ever had one of those moments when you suddenly realize you’ve been doing something wrong?
If you haven’t, I’d say two things: Congratulations, and get ready; it’s coming.
I experienced one of them this morning. As I was reading, I came across the 2023 Commencement Speech for N.C. State University by a young lady named Kelsey O’Connor. As I listened to her call for graduates to consider who they want to be rather than focusing on what they’ll do, I realized that I’ve been getting some of the ongoing conversations I’ve been having with Nevaeh (my niece, who happens to be CRUSHING it as a freshman Biology major at State), as well as some of my inner dialogue, so very wrong. Before I share more, I’d like to invite you to watch Kelsey’s speech (she begins speaking at 2:27, but I’d invite you to watch the whole thing).
If you didn’t watch the speech, here are some of my favorite parts (that will help the rest of this post make sense).
- “What are you going to do?” is a very different question than “Who are you going to be?” What I want us to consider is what it means to be a “human being” not a “human doing.“
- I made a resolution to help rebuild my identity. I decided that, in order to heal the way I saw myself, I had to start by the way I saw and spoke about others. I would start describing people, not by their labels, but by three things: their attitude, the way that they treat others, and what makes them uniquely beautiful.
- …seeing individuals and myself, not for what they do, but for who they really are.
- We all have the opportunity to decide who we are going to be…because who we are internally is the root of what we do and what we produce to the world. Your roles in life are going to change…but you are so much more than your role.
- Regardless of what you do, you always have the opportunity to be the person that you’ve dreamed when you choose a positive attitude, treat others with genuine kindness, and appreciate your own unique, inner beauty.
- We have to look beyond our labels to appreciate who we really are and appreciate others for who they really are. And, because of that, I encourage all of us to think, and do, and become something uniquely amazing.
Even though I often share similar thoughts, I’ve realized two ways I’ve been missing the mark.
First, the last two serious(ish) conversations with Nevaeh have been focused on her career. She’s wonderfully smart, hard-working, and kind with the added bonus of having the entire world at her feet. Instead of asking about the kind of impact she wants to have, I’ve been asking career-focused questions like, ‘Have you decided what you want to do when you graduate?’ Sure, it’s an important question, but it misses the mark. Regardless of what path she chooses to take in life, she’s going to be the one walking the path. Because of that, she must get incredibly clear about the kind of person she wants to become.
Second, I battle the guilt of “leaving Education” almost every single day. This isn’t shocking to anyone who knows me, but as I listened to the speech this morning, my perspective on that guilt shifted a bit. Yes, there are parts of me that feel like I quit on kids, my friends, and my community, but there’s another part of me, a darker part of me, that’s unquestionably rooted in the loss of status. In becoming a leader at a very young age and having the privilege of leading for a long time, I began believing that the bubble existing around people in formal, public leadership roles is an accurate picture of reality. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, I defined who I was by what I did. Sure, how I did it was important to me, but if you were to dive deep into my heart to see what I truly cherished, I loved what I did more than who I was.
As I think about those mistakes, I’m tempted to wallow in my failure; but, I’m refusing to give in to my feelings. Instead of staying stuck, I’m choosing to move forward and do better. I began by texting Nevaeh this morning. I shared the speech with her, told her that I’ve been asking some of the wrong questions, and reminded her of something she already knows: Who she will become is far more important than what she will ever do. As for what I’m telling myself, I think the work started with this post. There’s more work to do, for sure.
I wonder how Kelsey’s message and my failures can benefit you? I think I’ll just invite you to consider some things I I believe we all know to be true:
- Who you are is more important than what you do.
- How you lead matters more than the title you hold.
- How you treat the people you lead is more important than the number of you lead.
- The people who matter most in your life are the ones who love you because of who you are not what you do.
Remember, you can’t be great at what you do if you’re not great at being who you are.
#ChooseToBeGreat
Angelo
CHOOSE TO BE GREAT 